Tickle My Nipple

Not actual telemarketer but most likely his reaction

Buckle up people!! The idiots are back in full swing with today’s episode of WTF weekly!! And this time they have crossed state lines!

Yesterday I get a call from an unknown number. Luckily they left a voicemail or I’d never stumble upon this little gem! Who called? I’m glad you asked.

It was Federal Agent John Smith from the IRS informing me that I am a criminal and I have 12 counts on my arrest warrant and he’s there to help. Well thank you Federal Agent John Smith, I appreciate your can do attitude. Incoming call to your line in 3…2…1…

Upon this ass pastry picking up the phone I recognize his accent is heavier than a curry filled diaper. As he’s talking he asked if I had gotten a letter from my local PD about my tax return and the false information I had submitted. I panic!! With this new found information and his name Federal Agent John Smith I knew without a doubt this was legit. So glad I called!

After some bullshit was fed across the line he asked if I had any questions. Where do I start?! Questions were asked in this order..in rapid fire mind you:

Where do babies come from?
Do birds have accents?
If I fart and no one is around to hear it, did I really fart?
If you’re not supposed to eat play doh why do they make it smell so good?
If a giraffe wore a neck tie do they put it at the top of the neck or the base?

As Federal Agent John Smith grows increasingly angrier with each question he begins tacking on more charges….dammit?! Now my curiosity will never be satisfied and has landed me more time in the big house.

I apologized. I thought he might have known the answers. He asks again if I have any questions, that pertained to my case and pending arrest. I said yes sir. I have a serious one. You ready? Here we go…

If you’re trying this hard to f#*k me out of money should I be making sex noises? I proceed to make wet sloppy sex noises complete with moaning and telling him to go harder, faster, now slow down, slap my ass, tickle my nipple with his foot…I informed him he might wanna get a towel.

After a few rather detailed words were thrown in his direction which I will not disclose due to…well if you know me well enough you can imagine what was said, he hung up on me.

So with that said I regret to inform you that I am a criminal and I have a minimum of 15 or so charges for which I will be arrested for, one of which was for making sex noises to a Federal Agent and asking him to tickle my nipple, with his foot.

Who’s gonna bail me out 🤷🏻‍♂️

Stay tuned as I have a feeling a special episode of WTF Weekly is just around the bend!

See ya next time you bloody legends!!

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