Good afternoon ya twits!! Today’s episode of WTF Weekly comes at my own expense. Sit back, relax and embark on this journey with me into adulthood.
I ran to Walmart today due to the fact that as I was there yesterday, I completely forgot to grab what I initially came for. A trip to grab some arm pit lube (deodorant) turned into a “for fucks sake” moment when I got home and realized I didn’t get any!
I grab my buggy, carriage, battering ram, whatever you wanna call it and head straight for the arm pit section. Nothing is stopping me from completing this mission. I see the isle…target acquired…engage. I stand victoriously in the isle like I just won a race. I throw the lady at the end of the isle a little head nod with a “yea you know it” kind of attitude. She’s got nothing.
Seeing how summer has left this state with no intentions of returning due to warm weather tax, I head to men’s clothing to see if there are any flannels in the tall size to accommodate my long primate like arms. But I detour a little, gotta get my steps in! Then it happens. I’m sucked in like an Area 51 tractor beam pulling me to the mother ship of “old man status”.
I see the display of slippers. The cozy, warm, inviting display calling me to put my stank stubs into these flannel lined homes. Realizing mine at home should have been tossed last year, I pick out a pair that tickles my fancy. Welcome to the family slippers, we are going to become great friends.
I find a flannel, and not a fancy flannel, that might work and head to the register. As I’m walking I realize I’m legit excited to get home from class tonight and put on my slippers!!! I’m like a fat kid in a bakery will an all access pass to lick the spoons!! Are you serious?!
I’m hitting 40 next month, yet I feel like I’m 25, and here I am practically skipping to the register willing to show people my slippers like I made them myself. I used to get excited over Match Box cars, GI Joe action figures and Transformer toys…shit I still do but that’s not the point!! When did I turn into this old man that feels accomplished for getting deodorant and picking out a new pair of slippers?! For fucks sake I should have bought prune juice too!!
I hit the register and the lady from the deodorant isle is in front of me. I throw her another head nod as I’m putting my slippers on the belt and she’s clearly jealous. Probably because they have the memory foam for added comfort and her hoof holders don’t! And for $7.88 I am now a baller on a budget. That’s some next level shit she will never reach. Look away Margret, these bad boys are mine! Good lord love a duck I’m officially old.
That’s it for this week’s episode folks. Stay tuned as I’m sure I will have another moment for you. If anyone needs me I’ll be checking into the local nursing home with my new slippers.
Tonight’s not Jello night?? W….T…..F??
You’re all a bunch of bloody Legends!!