Merry Christmas suck holes!! We are back with another episode of WTF Weekly and surprise!! It’s a Christmas special!! So sit back, get your Santa hat and give me your best ho ho ho as we embark on a journey of astounding rudeness to be slapped down by quick disgusting humor. And away we go!!
It’s no secret I shop at Walmart. Where else can I buy Valentine’s Day shit at Christmas and get my tires changed while getting my blood pressure checked with a flu shot chaser. Preventive maintenance people…it’s a thing.
My most recent trip to the Mecca of fuckery happened just yesterday. I know, going to a place as such, this close to Christmas is a form of holiday suicide but there was no way around it. I strapped on my big boy pants, kept my head low and hands in my pockets as someone was sure to get throat punched.
Upon entering the economic shit show I come face to face with a mob of people. You got this Doug….you got this. I have a thing called tactical walking. I will find pockets of empty spaces in a crowd and move strategically so I’m not stuck in back of Margret and her bingo squad checking out the latest old lady blouse with the roll back price. If you can dodge an old lady, you can dodge a ball.
I find a clearing and head for the gold. As I’m nearing my destination I hear and see some lady pretty much screaming on phone. I couldn’t understand her because it wasn’t English but it sounded like she was placing a very aggressive order at Taco Bell. She’s probably passionate about tacos like a few of you.
I see her approaching me and there is no intention of her slowing down even though I had the right of way. It all happened so fast! She T-boned me in the intersection! We need Walmart traffic lights. Now I’m 6’1” and she’s about 5’. She lowers her phone and gives me the snarkiest look. It was like stink eye just got off vacation and it was well rested for this encounter. I look down and politely say, sprinkled with a metric fuck ton of sarcasm, “excuse me”. Only to be given a hearty “yea excuse YOU!”
I’ve been blessed with quick wit and the ability to embarrass myself without it phasing me while making others feel uncomfortable. It’s a gift that keeps on giving. As soon as she said that I replied with;
“I wasn’t saying excuse me because I ran into you. I was saying excuse me because as you rudely plowed into me I dropped some serious ass heat and I was letting you know so you didn’t walk through the invisible cloud of death due to my poor dietary choices as I begin to crop dust this isle”.
She gives me this look like she just kissed the stink sack of a skunk and walks away in an obvious hurry. As she’s walking away I make a fart noise loud enough to turn a few heads. As she’s pumping her tiny feet to escape the danger zone, she’s throwing words at the person on the other end of the phone and I can only imagine she was talking about me. My hands go back in my pockets and I continue my previously scheduled mission. Good lord love a duck wtf is wrong with people?
I think I handled that situation in a very mature and professional manner. I could have gotten loud and I could have made a scene but I didn’t. I took the high road…if that’s what you want to call it.
The lesson for today, keep your eyes on the road and don’t aggressively order Taco Bell while walking through Walmart! All peoples lives matter.
That’s it for this week folks! I hope you all have a safe and happy holiday as you are surrounded by your loved ones. And if your in-laws are getting on your last nerve, crack open the bottle of whiskey, take a huge swing and proceed to spike the eggnog.
Merry Christmas you bloody legends!!!