What’s the good ya word turds?! We are back with another riveting episode of WTF Weekly where we will take a journey inside my brain for a brief moment and experience a senior moment wrapped up with inappropriate wrapping paper. So grab your reading glasses, sit back, get comfortable and enjoy the journey.
Yesterday was a rough day. My back was killing me, I was getting shooting pains into my ass cheeks and down my leg and moving was tougher than a woodpeckers lips. With this being my last week in my 30’s, why not go into my 40’s walking like an old man with all the aches and pains.
I will always back into a parking spot 99.9% of the time, making for an easy get away for when the zombie apocalypse hits. You can never be too prepared these days and it can happen at any moment.
As I was walking out to my truck after class I conducted the usual execution. Spot the truck, adjust course for a bee line approach and scan my surroundings…not today zombies, not today. When I got closer, and saw I wasn’t about to become the living dead’s lunch, I noticed something on the hood of the truck. Something that made me do the pit bull head tilt and say to myself what in the blueberry fuck muffins is this shit??
As I got closer I saw two hand prints on the hood as if someone was holding on for dear life while they were twerking on the disco stick. They must have thought this Ford was the fuck truck to pound town! Two clearly defined hand prints to the point where there was no mistaking for what it was. And judging by the distance of their dick beater prints, they were into it and getting some leverage! You. Bloody. Legend!
Now at this moment I’m conflicted. Am I upset that my truck was used as someone dropped their nasty knickers and backed up on it? Or am I more upset I wasn’t around to witness this or that I wasn’t invited?! And where did this happen?? My driveway? The campus parking lot? I bet it was Walmart…crazy shit always happens at Walmart! So many questions that will remain unanswered. Well I hope it was good you naughty Nellies. I should really get a dash cam.
As I’m shaking my head getting into my truck, slower than internet explorer, I grab my keys and shove them into the ignition much like the porno that took place at the front of the truck. Then it happens…the moment I was served a reality cocktail with a senior citizen chaser.
The hood latch on my truck has a short and in an attempt to get the dash board indicator light to go off, I got out a few days ago and slammed the hood down harder than an Irishman slamming down a pint of Guinness. Those wide spread dick beater prints were in fact…mine. Good lord love a duck I need to grow up and get my head out of the gutter. Hahahaha!!! That was an adorable 30 seconds! The hand prints are staying and I’ll forever tell the tale of the day my truck was used as an assisted sex apparatus.
That’s it for this week folks! Unfortunately no one was doing the humpty dance with no pants on the front of my truck, just me forgetting what I did days before. There’s always tomorrow though. Let’s head to Walmart!! Stay tuned to this channel as I’m sure we will come across another moment that makes me say WTF! You know what’s coming next….
You’re all a bunch of bloody legends!!!