The Limp Noodle

Not the actual picture…settle down

Good lord love a duck, we are back with another episode of WTF Weekly where we will discuss locker room etiquette. There are some unwritten rules we all must abide by and they go without saying but I guess sometimes the moment just takes over and people forget. Sit back, relax and don’t get too comfortable because I’m about to make you uncomfortable.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t get uncomfortable in a lot of situations. I’ll attempt to trade food at a restaurant, buy hats or shoes off of kids or even hit them up for snacks. I will make a fool of myself in public as well as anyone who is with me because I like to be myself. If you can’t handle the nonsense that comes along with being around me then I don’t know what to tell you. If you are wondering what it is like, my girlfriend will tell you the story of fancy butt plugs, Home Depot and a bloody legend of a cashier.

But today was an exception to the norm. I felt violated and in need of a hand sanitizer shower with a pressure washer rinsing. Nothing could have prepared me for the situation I would find myself in without any sort of warning. All seemed normal and to be going according to plan when I was propelled into a moment of life and death. A moment where solid eye contact was an absolute must and not having a wandering/ floating eye was a blessing.

As I am finishing up changing from my work out at the gym, I am patiently waiting for the individual I am a life coach for to finish changing. He needs to be within eyesight at all times so I take a seat on the bench and we review our scheduled events for the day. And then it happens. Stranger Danger starts stripping in the middle of the locker room, not at his locker. Ripping clothes off like he’s at the pivotal love making scene in a movie. The unbridled passion for being naked and frustration for not being able to disrobe fast enough was ever present. It began to get a little uncomfortable and I wish it had stopped there.

I find it very uncomfortable when a grown ass man is standing butt ass naked in the gym locker room attempting to have a full-blown conversation as his dingus is flailing about. Then the dude starts drying off and rubbing this thing down like he’s over marinating a steak! Talking to me like we are best friends and this is the norm for us. I’m sorry, do I know you? Have we met before? That would be a hearty no in my book there britches butcher. You can put that thing away and then we can talk about anything. I do not need to witness you caressing your limp noodle as you tell me about your workout. Good lord love a duck this guy was all about tuning the skin flute at that very moment!

Dude I get it…you’re comfortable with your body and I applaud you for that. But for the love of everything that is holy throw on some shorts or wrap a towel! No one wants to see your lady pleaser AND have a conversation! Cage the trouser snake and save the pleasantries for when that thing is put away. And please….please don’t attempt to throw a high five after you’ve violated yourself in front of me…not cool bro….not cool.

That’s it for this week folks. Go take a shower and wash the stranger danger off you and keep it tuned to this channel as I am sure we will have another episode very soon! And don’t forget…

You’re all a bunch of bloody legends!

Disclaimer: solid eye contact was made the entire time 

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