The Three Hole Punch Gone Wrong

On today’s episode we are going to address the topic of your diet as it does effect those around you. And sometimes in the most disturbing way.

Yesterday after work I had to stop by Walmart for one quick item. In and out, done, no more. As I’m pulling into the parking lot it dawned on me that I should probably visit the bathroom as the Greek iced coffee I had was creating pressure on my bladder. Good thing the bathroom is right by the entrance…as well as the exit. This is where things took a turn for the worse.

As I round the corner for the bathroom I’m welcomed by a rancid odor. My nose hairs started to singe and my gut was telling me to turn around! The three hole punch was not worth my life! But I press on. Lord help me I should have turned around.

As I push the bathroom door open the sounds were something from a maternity ward. Some dude (or someone who identifies as a dude. Not assuming gender here) was in the process of giving birth to the biggest poop baby in history!

If you have ever wondered what it smelled like when two hobos were humping on a hot summer day near a raging dumpster fire, walk into this bathroom and you had your answer.

My eyes began to water, the pores on my skin closed up tighter than a gnats ass so the green cloud of death wouldn’t make its way in and I seriously thought this was how it was going to end. I should have left, but I press on. I’ve been through the gas chamber in the Army, I got this. For fucks sake I couldn’t have prepared for what came next.

As I’m standing at the urinal doing my business the dude is really suffering. As he’s displaying sounds of discomfort I couldn’t help but laugh at the horrific sounds that were escaping the stall. Farts echoed loudly through the bowl as he continued to freckle the toilet. But all laughter was immediately halted with the sound that came next.

This porcelain punisher slides the door locking mechanism, grabs the door and starts violently waving the door back and forth!! What?!?! Is your shit that bad that you can’t even stand the smell of your own brand? News flash buddy!! The smell of your bad food choices has filled this entire Walmart bathroom that they have dispatched the decontamination unit. Granted that’s only Martha the door greeter with a hose but dammit she will spray that stench off you!!

I couldn’t finish fast enough to exit this wretched hell. After he has ripped off what seems like a mile of ass wipe he walks out and gives a hearty yet obviously relieved “woah..that was a doozy huh?”

I’m sorry? Just because we shared this disgusting moment while you basically invited me into your own personal hell does not make us buddies. And secondly, your man card states that while in the bathroom you follow a few simple rules. No conversations at the urinal if you don’t know the person, eyes on your prize only, and for the love of Christ if some dude is standing there with his lady (or man) pleaser in his hand you do not strike up a conversation!!

Today’s lesson…watch what you eat and if your brand is enough to make you want to gag, consult a nutritionist!! The three hole punch was not worth all this!!

That’s all for today numb nuts!! Keep on the lookout for more morons and jackasses that make me say WTF!!

You’re all a bunch of bloody legends!!

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